well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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