Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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