Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
