Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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