she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
