I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
