i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
