sarcasm needs its own font
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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