I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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