Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
