Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
