Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
