Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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