Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize