You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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