So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
