It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
