i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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