i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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