You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize