Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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