i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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