Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
