I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
