Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
