i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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