it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize