I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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