How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
