Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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