Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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