Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
