Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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