you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
as a side note pls kill me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
