dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
