well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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