Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize