My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
