You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
