farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
