come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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