my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
