why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
