Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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