Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
