We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
