dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
