porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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