so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
