Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
