you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
