I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would ride that face into the sunset
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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