Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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