Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Your cock deserves a montage
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
