i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
