i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
