Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
