She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
