I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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