once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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