So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
