Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
