you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
