Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We just shotgunned beers for America
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize