I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
